


as long as he needs me

by iamertrash



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Character Death, Illnesses, Lots of it, Love, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Soulmates, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 09:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamertrash/pseuds/iamertrash
Summary: ‘’Do you think I’m crazy? For thinking I still feel him around?’’ Bucky asks.His mother smiles. ‘’If he truly loved you, which I know he did, he hasn’t left you. He never will. Not until you join him.’’It’s true, Buck. I’m right here.---In a world where your soul doesn't fully pass on, until your soulmate's soul does too.





	as long as he needs me

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in three days because i didn't know how to process my emotions after watching infinity war. enjoy?

On that last day, I knew it was coming. And Bucky knew it too. But still, nothing could prepare me for the way Bucky gripped my hand, his quiet sobs, and his warm tears hitting my thigh. He kisses me over and over, and I do my best to kiss him back. He hasn’t come to terms with it, I can tell. He hasn’t eaten in days, and it hurts to see him like this.

 

‘’I love you.’’ are my last words. I whisper them in my few last minutes. Bucky chokes out another sob and nods.

 

‘’I love you too, Steve.’’

 

My heart monitor starts beeping, and I am relieved. Relieved of all the pain, the sleepless nights, the constant agony, both physically and mentally. The last thing I see are Bucky’s clear blue eyes. A beautiful last sight, I could not have asked for anything more.

 

\---

 

I wake up, and I am standing in my hospital room. The first thing I notice is Bucky crying, clutching my dead, fragile body. His sobs are loud. I feel a tear run down my cheek.

 

‘’Steve, please, come back to me, please.’’ he begs in between sobs. He buries his head in my chest. I see his entire body shake, and I want nothing more than to hold him. I walk over to him and place my hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t turn. He’s completely still, the only sign of life is his fast breathing and occasional sniffle.

 

He stays like that for hours, before the hospital staff has to drag him away. His family has already been contacted, and they await him at home.

 

He gets into his car, and I follow. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t have any more tears.

 

_I hate seeing you like this, Bucky._

Bucky turns quickly in my direction, like he heard me. But he does not see me. He shrugs it off and continues driving. I don’t know why I’m here. I always believed in _something_ after death, but not this. It feels like there is an unstoppable force, pulling me towards Bucky whenever he leaves a room. What do I need to do?

 

When he arrives at our home, his family is there, and they embrace him. The look on Bucky’s face breaks my heart all over again. I feel like I’ve betrayed him.

 

I didn’t put up a fight, I wasn’t strong enough. I just accepted my fate, like a weakling. I promised him I’d fight, and get through it. I promised him we’d grow old together. But then the pain got worse, and thoughts of growing old were replaced by thoughts of my funeral, my gravestone.

 

Bucky speaks for the first time in hours.

 

‘’I feel broken, ma.’’ he tells his mother, and every word is like a dagger in me. His mother has tears in her eyes too. I always liked Winnifred, she was a lovely woman. She and Bucky were lucky to have each other.

 

‘’I know sweetheart, I know.’’ she lets him lean into the crook of her neck and cry. I close my eyes, I cannot watch. It hurts too much, to know that I did this to him.

 

\---

 

Bucky’s mother stays with him while the others go home. Bucky hardly talks, and Winnifred doesn’t try and get him to speak. I don’t speak either. I just sit, and watch Bucky. I miss his smile. I miss the brightness in his eyes, the sparkle. That died with me.

 

At nearly 2 in the morning, Winnifred gets Bucky to eat, and I breathe a sigh of relief. She leaves soon after that. It’s just me and him.

 

And, as far as he knows, it’s just him.

 

_Bucky._

 

He looks up.

 

_It’s me._

He doesn’t hear me.

 

For the first time, I _feel_ him. I feel his numbness next to my pain. He’s completely and utterly shattered.

 

\---

 

Bucky cries himself to sleep every night for the next week. I’m right there with him. I try to speak to him, to connect with him, but nothing happens. I want to scream, to tell him I’m right here, here through it all. And I will be here. For as long as he needs me.

 

Our life plays like a movie in my mind. Our first date, first kiss, first time. I am made of memories, and I never want to forget.

 

I want Bucky to see this movie too. To see all the joy, the laughter, the life in my eyes. But all he can see is a hospital bed, tears and my hand going limp in his grasp.

 

I want to hold him, and tell him it will all be okay. I want to fall in love with him like the first time.

 

I don’t sleep, so I watch Bucky for hours. The night is the only time he’s at peace. He even smiled one time, while dreaming. That was the first time he smiled for days. I felt such a sense of relief seeing that one small smile.

 

Bucky’s mom checks up on him every day. She cooks and cleans for him, and gets him to take a shower. I tell her thank you, and I hope she hears me. One day I’ll get to personally thank her.

 

When she starts talking about my funeral, Bucky shuts down. He clearly hasn’t started thinking about it, hasn’t come to terms with it. With everything. He tells her he wants it to be beautiful, like me. Bright, and colorful. Strong.

 

At that point I break down in tears. Hearing him say those words that I never associated myself with made me so incredibly grateful to have been able to spend my few years with a man as amazing as him. I don’t deserve him, I never did. I didn’t deserve his support, his love.

 

Maybe the only reason I’m here is because he hasn’t let go. When he does, who knows where I’ll go. Will I see my mother?

 

\---

 

Bucky sees a therapist in the days leading up to my funeral. At first he is reluctant to share, but his therapist says something that is like a trigger in Bucky’s brain, and it all flows out.

 

‘’I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him.’’ he says.

 

_Me neither._

‘’I was sure we were going to grow old together, but then he got diagnosed and it was like my world ended. My world starts and ends with him.’’

 

_My world is you._

His therapist recommends Bucky to write me a letter. Read it out loud, and pretend I’m there listening.

 

And I will be.

 

He also tells Bucky that one day he must move on, and I dread that day. I want Bucky to be happy, of course I do, but I’m scared that when he does, I’ll disappear. And all that’s left of me is a stone with my name on it.

 

When Bucky moves on, I want to be a part of it. I want to see the rest of his life. I want to see a _real_ smile again. And if it’s with someone else, then so be it. I’ll be there with him, until the end of the line. And when the time comes, I’ll welcome him with open arms.

 

Bucky starts writing the letter, and I don’t look. I’m too scared. Part of me hopes he’ll read it out loud.

 

I haven’t tried to talk to him in a few days. It’s not like he ever answered. Maybe he just thinks he’s insane, and hearing things out of grief. Which wouldn’t be too far fetched. Maybe I’m just a fragment of his imagination.

 

\---

 

Funeral planning continues. They choose flowers, a casket and a venue. The day they go to see my body again, a day before the funeral, it all feels too real. Bucky almost doesn’t go in, and when he does, he immediately tears up. I don’t blame him. I look terrible.

 

My eyes are still sunken and you can see my bones. If that’s how I looked during my last days then I don’t blame Bucky for holding his breath whenever he looked at me. I look like the slightest gust of wind could blow me to space.

 

Bucky attempts to write a speech but all he can come up with is ‘’Steve is the love of my life’’. Everything else is too personal, too private for everyone to hear. I’m glad he wants to keep it that way. Our love is for us, and only us. I remember when he’d talk for hours on end, about anything and everything. It’s like I’ve taken all his words to the grave.

 

On the day of my funeral he hardly makes it out of bed. He puts on his best suit, which he knows I loved. Still love. He looks so weak, still. He’d been looking better in the days leading up to my funeral but now he’s back to square one. He sits at the front of the church, with his family. Not many people show up, not that I expected anything else.

 

Bucky tries to give a speech, but when he’s standing in front of everyone, he breaks down in tears. I try to hug him, but I know he can’t feel me.  I desperately wish he could. I want to tell him it’ll all be okay, that I’m right here.

 

His mother escorts him back to his seat, where he cries silently for the rest of the ceremony. When it’s time to pick up the coffin, he’s first on his feet. He, along with others, raise the coffin like it’s light as a feather. Which I’m sure it is, judging by my corpse’s condition. Bucky’s trying to contain his tears. He didn’t like to cry for too long, he never did.

 

But when they lower my casket into my grave, the floodgates open again and he clings onto his mother for dear life. He buries his face in her shoulders and shakes with sobs. I’m right there with him.

 

\---

 

Bucky finishes the letter, but he doesn’t read it. Not out loud. I’m disappointed, but I don’t read it. If he only wants it for himself, so be it.

 

One day though, when his mom is visiting, he brings it up.

 

‘’Mom? I-uh my therapist recommended that I write a letter to- uh, to Steve. Can I read it to you?’’ he nervously asks. She smiles and nods.

 

‘’Of course, my love.’’ they sit down on the couch, I sit on a chair across from them.

 

‘’Steve,’’ he begins.

 

‘’I’ve never cried as much as I did when I lost you. I never thought I’d be able to feel my heart shatter into a million pieces, but life is full of surprises isn’t it? I still feel so lost without you. Nothing could ever have prepared me for the way I’ve been feeling these days. I knew this would have to happen eventually, but it still doesn’t seem real. Sometimes when I wake up, I expect to see you across from me, in our bed. I’ll move your hair out of your eyes, and wake you up with a gentle kiss.’’

 

I don’t realize I’m crying until I taste the saltiness of my tears.

 

‘’I try to think of all our happy times together. I said we’d grow old together, and maybe we will. You’ll always be in my heart, even though I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you.’’

 

Bucky is also crying.

 

‘’I can’t stop thinking about everything you could have done, if you just had time. it consumes my every moment. Life is so unfair. You should have been able to grow up, grow old. Truth be told, I don’t know how I’m going to survive without you. Losing you was like losing half of my soul, and all of my happiness.’’

 

Bucky’s mother takes his hand and smiles reassuringly when Bucky hesitates.

 

‘’Sometimes I still feel you around me. Even though I can’t see or hear you, I _feel_ you. I feel your warmth, your light. If you’re still here, I hope you feel me too.’’

 

_I do._

‘’I’ve loved you since we first met. Always have, always will. I’ll never forget you. We’ll be together again someday, and I can’t wait for that day. Love, your Bucky.’’ he wipes a single tear off his cheek. His mother wraps her arms around him, I can tell she is speechless. I am too.

 

‘’I’m so proud of you, lovebug.’’ she says and wipes away another one of his tears.

 

‘’Do you think I’m crazy? For thinking I still feel him around?’’ Bucky asks.

 

His mother smiles. ‘’If he truly loved you, which I know he did, he hasn’t left you. He never will. Not until you join him.’’

 

_It’s true, Buck. I’m right here._

‘’Ma, I’ve been meaning to tell you something.’’ Bucky looks at the floor.

 

She smiles encouragingly.

 

‘’I-I was going to propose to Steve. I had the ring and everything. I still do.’’

 

My heart drops.

 

‘’I- I thought I could do it soon enough, and we’d just have a small ceremony. At the hospital, if necessary. I just wanted to marry him, ma.’’ he says.

 

She takes his hand and squeezes it tight. ‘’I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know he would have said yes.’’

 

Bucky chuckles. ‘’You think?’’

 

‘’I know.’’

_\---_

 

Bucky’s getting better. He smiles, he laughs, he goes out to see other people, his friends. I’m glad he’s living his life again. He still visits my grave every week, tells me what’s going on. He doesn’t know I’m with him, all the time.

 

When it’s a year since my death, he spends the day with his family. He cries, but he also tells them about all the fun times we had. Even though I was there for them all, it feels like I’m just hearing of them now, and I miss it. I miss Bucky, even though I’m with him every second of every day.

 

He puts flowers on my grave and lights a candle. He stays at my grave for hours, longer than he’s ever done before. Whenever he’s at my grave I feel more connected to him.

 

His friend gets him a date. It stings a little at first, but Bucky seems happy, so I’m happy. The guy’s name is Nathan. Nathan seems _very_ into Bucky, Bucky is a little more set back. Still, they kiss, go steady and meet each other’s families.

 

One day, when Bucky is visiting my grave, he tells me he doesn’t love Nathan. He still loves me. He doesn’t think he can ever love anyone as much as he loves me. He still hasn’t told Nathan about me.

 

Nathan and Bucky’s relationship still continues nonetheless, and Bucky’s happy, which means I’m happy.

 

But I can’t deny the sting in my heart whenever Bucky takes his hand and kisses him. I feel like it should be me. But hey, not much I can do about it.

 

\---

 

 

Years go by, and Bucky and Nathan move in together. Bucky tells Nathan about me, and he understands. Bucky still has pictures of me on the wall. He brings Nathan to my grave, and Nathan talks to me for a little bit. He’s a great guy. I thank him for taking care of my Bucky, but alas, he doesn’t hear me. No one ever does.

 

Bucky shows no signs of wanting to marry Nathan. Nathan doesn’t either.

 

His visits to my grave are less frequent, but when Nathan suggests moving further away Bucky flat out refuses. I’m relieved.

 

The moments when Bucky and I are alone are my favorite. Feels like old times, except he can’t see nor hear me. Still, I talk and talk and talk, like by some miracle he’ll suddenly be aware of me.

 

Sometimes he cries. He’ll whisper my name, and I respond, always. He’ll blame himself. Sometimes it feels like we’re back to the day I died. The heartbreak, the agony feels so real. So new, so fresh. But he never talks to Nathan about it. He feels guilty, that he still loves me.

 

\---

 

 

Fifteen years since I died. Bucky broke up with Nathan, said he didn’t feel like he was being honest. I don’t blame him. Bucky still lives in our old place, and it looks almost the same as when I left. All the pictures are still there.

 

One day, when Bucky is going through his closet, he notices a small box. We both know what it is. He opens the box, and sure enough, there it is. It’s beautiful, a simple silver band.

 

He picks it up, and looks at inside.

 

On it is engraved ‘’ _till the end of the line’’_

 

Something he told me when he asked me to be his boyfriend all those years ago. I remember it clear as day. I’ve cherished that memory ever since.

 

Bucky starts wearing it. It warms my heart.

 

\---

 

Bucky doesn’t date anyone after Nathan. He doesn’t want to, he says. He always wanted kids, so he often takes care of his nieces and nephews.

 

I wish we could’ve had kids. Bucky would be an amazing father.

 

Suddenly it’s been 25 years since I died, and time is flying by. Bucky loses his father. He’s buried near me. I wonder if Bucky’s mother can feel him.

 

Bucky is starting to age. His hair is going grey, but it’s still as thick and beautiful as it was all those years ago. _Bucky_ is still just as beautiful.

 

30 years, and Bucky is still going strong. He adopts a dog, and names him Steve. Sometimes I think he loves the dog more than me. He’s an English bulldog, and he’s adorable. I don’t blame Bucky for loving him.

 

35 years, and Bucky’s sick. Cancer, they say. 40% of patients get better. I can tell Bucky wants to be one of the 60% that don’t. He goes bald, but he’s still gorgeous. He looks weaker and weaker, and I’m afraid he’s going to be one of the 60%. He isn’t afraid. He’s accepted it.

 

He isn’t fighting, and I know exactly why.

 

His mother is in her 80s now, but she still visits him whenever she can. She is the strongest woman I know.

 

They tell him the cancer has spread, and I see a slight smile on his face. He knows what’s coming.

 

Still, he fights, and manages to survive a few more years, and he loses his mother somewhere along the way. She and her husband are together now.

 

During Bucky’s last few days he talks about me. He says he’s excited to see me. I’m excited to see him, too. He tells a young nurse all about our days together, and she listens to it all. I’m glad he did. I’m proud of us. We’ve come a long way, and we still have a long way to go.

 

A long line.

 

Just minutes before Bucky’s last breath, he says he can see me. I smile at him, and feel a tear run down my cheek.

 

When his body goes limp, there’s a big smile on his face.

 

 

\---

 

_I’m stood in a forest. I’ve never been here, but I know exactly where I am._

_‘’Steve?’’ I hear a familiar voice say behind me. I turn around, and sure enough, it is Bucky. He doesn’t look a day older than the day I died. I smile._

 

‘’ _My love, welcome home.’’_


End file.
